how in gods name am i supposed to survive my own life as it is now!?
follow your heart or follow your head..
Published on September 3, 2012 By anoukd94 In Blogging

 when i was 3 i was so certain that i was going to marry my dad when i was 20 years old. every little girl at that age wants to marry her dad, because at that time he is the most important (and mostly the only) man in your live. but when you grow older and yo turn an age like 18, its not that simple anymore. of course everybody's live changes, but i never thought it would be such a mess. your dad is not the only man in your life anymore and the guys that enter your once very save bubble will make your life great at one moment and the next time a living hell. and what about the dream to marry my dad, well it ended very messed up. because the man in my life who would always be there for me and gives me guidance when i'm in need of it, the 'only man' in my life passed away when i was 16. and that was just the start of all the shit in my life.

 

two weeks before my dad passed away he was still at home and doing fine actually. well, not 'normal' fine, but fine as fine can be for a cancer patient. it was hard sometimes, mainly because of the chemo's. but this week he was feeling just fine. but im not going to talk about how my father felt that day, because it wouldn't make any difference. that week i was feeling more than fine, i was feeling great because i was in love! my school had an exchange program with a school in barcelona and al the students went a week to our school. the spanish girl that stayed at my house had become a very good friend of me and we were like we've been friends for a long time. if you question youself if i am gay and i was in love with this girl, you are very wrong. i am very straight and i was very in love with the cutest spanish guy ever, Pedro (i know his name is very obvious for a Spaniard, but its his real name). we talked a lot and frankly he liked me back because the third day of the week we kissed and from that day on we were together. of course i was heartbroken when he left to go back to barcelona, but he promised it would be alright between us and i believed him. you may think that was a stupid and maybe even a desperate decision, but i really believed in us. and luckily so did he! our relationship kept growing stronger, especially after my dad passed away. and i went to barcelona to see him in the summer for 3 weeks. i was pretty nervous the moment i would see him again after not seeing him for 5 weeks, but the waiting was all worth it. it was one of the best moments in my life. not like you see it in romantich movies, but it was still pretty great:)

the next weeks we spend at the beach or his house and everything was just great. especially for one thing, the sex. i was 16 and he was 17, so its a pretty normal age to think about this when you have a relationship. and as much as i trusted him, it was still pretty scary. and the only thing i can remember from these embarrassing moments is that it didnt work. like seriously didnt work, it didnt happen at all. but that wouldnt come in the way of our relation and it was good the way it was, for the moment. we were deeply in love and i felt like i could really be myself with him, even though he had a bit of a lack of english. but with my 'basic' spanish and our hands and feet we could get where ever we wanted. and who needs words if you could say enough with a kiss?

the last night together we went to a party and after 3 hours of energetic dancing and a bit of kissing (well okey, a lot), we went outside to go for a walk. we didnt say much, but i knew i was giving him a very hard time leaving the day after. so i wanted him to know how much i loved him and would miss him and lots of more! but when he looked at me and started crying (not the crying little children do, but the more silent crying with just a sad face and silent tears), i knew he knew what i meant and i also knew that all this feelings i felt for him, he felt for me too. it was one of the most special moments in my life. but its not always a 'happy ever after', especially not when you're 16 and you have a boyfriend who lives 3000 km away from you. so after that summer we started to have fights, so after 6 months we ended it.

now i go to barcelona 5 times a year to see my friend and every time im there i see Pedro too. 8 months after we broke up, he started a new relation with a girl called Mar (yes i know, her name means ocean in spanish, so every time her friends call her, they say: ocean, hey ocean!). at first i was happy for him, he deserved a girl he could be with all the time. but when i got there and saw him and later them together, i felt kind of sad. and i came to the conclusion that i was still not over him, at all! but i couldnt come between him and Mar because they liked eachother a lot and im not a bad person (yes, i do have morals). so i just lived my life and kind of forgot about it. life had his ups and downs at that time, like every life has. and i was doing just fine (again the word fine, its so easy to use but it doesnt really explains your mood..). Pedro and i kept contact, as friends, and he kept his relation with mar.

it has been 2 years now (im 18 and he is almost turning 20) and 5 weeks agon he and mar broke up. i was there for him as a friend (even though it was only by phone and facebook) and we talked a lot. and when i talked about everything with mar and all the good and bad things in his life and relation with her, i started thinking myself. was i happy right now? of course i was, im not the emo kind of type, but i do think a lot ( i like to think about lots of things, and wen im thinking i become very quiet. my mom always thinks im depressed when im like that, which im not. im a pretty normal and happy teenager-woman (?) ). anyway, i started to think about my life and mainly about pedro and the thing is, im still not over him. its not that im still deeply in love with him, that would be weird and maby a bit obsessive. but the feelings i had for him were true and he was one of the few guys i really loved and where i could truly be myself with.

and for he wasnt in a relation anymore, i told him.i told him everything that was on my mind. maby a stupid idea, but in life you have to take risks. so i did.. and the only response i got was: "i have to think about it. i have to think about things with mar and about you. i cant give you an answer right now because you're not here. but maybe when i see you again, my feelings come back. but for now i just dont know.." (it wasn't typed like this when he wrote it to me, but i was able to figure out that it meant something like this. he still has a lack of english) of course every girl dreams and hopes for something better than this, because this isnt really clear and it makes you a bit insecure. but i understand him and in 1 month i go to barcelona again, where i will meet him. im not sure of what the future will bring, but im taking all the risks. the only thing i ask myself is: "is it the right decision to  get a relation with someone who lives that far away? is it even possible? and is it even important when love and feelings take over the situation?" 


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